I want to go someplace. I am so antsy. I know the Lord desires I remain in the valley to continue my schooling, but I am quickly losing motivation. I love studying and learning, but I'm afraid I have lost sight of where I am headed. There are so many things I want to do, yet all require years of commitment. I wish I could live for a thousand years. I wish I could live a hundred lifetimes.

There is one thing I know I must do. I must reconnect with the Lord. God rekindle the fire within me. Bring me to my knees and before your feet. Cause me to remember your loving kindness. Initiate that passion within me to illuminate and proclaim Your name. God, above all I desire you. Above all, I want to serve you all my days. I would give up anything. Though I am easily distracted, and though I fall short continually, at the end of the day I choose You. God I'm choosing You.

Love...

"For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit." Jeremiah 17:8

Likewise ought we to seek after the fountain of life. Everyday. For a life with Christ is a day to day journey, and not merely a moment's feeling. To seek His face continually. That is true happiness this world can never know.

Recently I have not stood fast to this. I have found myself not as close to Him as I would like. But today I am reminded of His great love for us. He truly loves each and everyone of us. And for the first time in my life... I prayed for the people whom I considered my enemies. I don't mean those whom I don't get along with. I mean those whom over the years I have never been able to forget, whose memory yet burning in my mind and heart. We all have somebody like that. Well today I prayed for those few, and sincerely asked God to shower His love on them.

I cannot believe it still, but I strangely felt at peace. I remembered the love of God, and how great it was. That dream I had, I don't know how I shall every explain how Jesus looked at me. Full of love and full of mercy. He did not judge me, though He had every right to do so. He smiled instead. He loves everyone one of us like that, including those whom I consider my... least favorite. lol.

When I prayed to God, asking for Him to show Himself to them and fill them with remarkable love and joy, I found myself filled with love. And for a split second, I saw the world how He does. For Christ came not to judge, but those whom will not believe in Him are condemned already.

People we NEED Jesus. I don't care what the world tells you. You will never feel or even know true happiness and peace until you make Jesus apart of your life, and I don't just mean on Sunday's. I don't just mean going through the motions of being a Christian either. For there are a lot of people who claim to be Christians who simply are not. I mean, when you give your life to Christ, believing and accepting His gift of salvation, letting it change your life. There is no greater love, joy or peace then with the Lord Jesus Christ.

This may sound cheesy, and redundant. Who has hasn't heard, "God loves you". If but we could truly understand. We cannot fathom His love for us because it is more than we can bare. Yes. If He were to show Himself to us, the love in His eyes would bring everyone to their knees. Heck, we wouldn't be able to do anything but bask in His presence.

There will come a day when every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess that Christ is Lord. Yet that is not today. Today, we live in a world full of hardship, trials, and deceit. Today we do not see the glory of the Lord. But let me tell you, He is freakin' antsy to show Himself to us. To you. Not that He might show off His glory and might, but that He might show unto us His great love for us. He desires all to come unto salvation, and that none should perish.

To all of you who are broken-hearted. How He wishes to hold you close and comfort you, for He loves the broken and contrite heart. He desires to make His love known unto us. If this reaches but one person who thinks no one cares, who thinks their pain goes unnoticed, know that the Lord is beside you with arms open wide. He bids you come and find peace in Him. If you could but see Him, you would see the great, incomprehensible, overwhelming love in His eyes. For God so loved the world...

I had a dream

I saw the face of Jesus.

It was dark outside, and cold. Snow swept across the fogging windshield and piled around the already buried tires. No doubt, like last year, I had never gotten around to putting on winter tires. To add to my frustration the engine was sputtering out as well.

There was a glow from a house close by, and a stream of thick smoking lifting into the night sky. My sister and I hesitated, but finally we decided to trudge through the knee high snow and knock on the door. A woman appeared in the doorway. I don't recall for sure, but I believe she wore an apron and had something cooking on the stove. To say the least it was a warm, cozy place, and with open arms they welcomed us in.

They were a sweet couple. They offered us a cup of hot something, and a place to sleep. The next morning we awoke, and from there it blurred for a bit. We must have stayed for a couple days because we got to know them fairly well. It was through one of our conversations around the fireplace when they brought up the rumors of the traveling train.

There had been several accounts of a man, many whom claimed was Jesus, passing through from town to town along the railroad. The accounts all said children accompanied Him, and that wherever He visited many had believed on the Lord, giving their life to Jesus. It was then they told us that He would be passing through that town in just a few short days. Obviously there was no exact schedule, but the rumors claimed His next destination was there.

A few mornings later news spread that He would be arriving in a few short hours. Alina and I were skeptical, yet curious. Bundled up in borrowed boots, jackets, hats and scarves, we made our way to the train station. There was a small crowd gathering, whispering to one another in anticipation. We all had the same question in mind. Who was this man whom touched the hearts and inspired so many people? Who was this man whom they called Jesus?

It first came as a small light, flickering off in the distance. As it grew closer, the light brightened and lit up the sky. The engine rumbled, smoke bellowed high, and the rhythmic grind of the gears. What surprised us all was the sound of laughter. Child laughter, starting out faint and barely audible and growing louder.

Before we knew it, the train was hauling in right beside us. Odd as it may sound, the cars had no roofs, and thus were exposed to the weather. Yet no one appeared cold. There were children everywhere, and suddenly just being in there midst made one bubble up in laughter and joy.

We ran along with the train until it came to a complete stop. When it did, I climbed up the side of one car and found myself looking right into the face of the man whom everyone called Jesus. In an instant I knew that all the rumors were true. I was looking right into the eyes of the Son of God. I saw His love. I saw Him looking at me, and I crumbled from the intensity of His love for me, and I cried. My whole body shook. In that moment I was overwhelmed in His presence.

He was surrounded by little children of all ages. He wore no fancy robes. He wore no crown of jewels. He was dressed quite simple. He was clean shaven save something of a three day stubble. His hair was brown, curly locks. His eyes I cannot put into words. Imagine a light hue, almost the color of blue and like glass. When He looked at you He looked into your soul. All knowing, yet entirely and altogether loving. I cannot explain this love that I felt, but when He set His gaze on me I felt so comforted, so rejuvenated, so full of hope, and so loved. I didn't want to let Him go. I understood in that moment what true unconditional love was. And his smile. He smiled at me. After seeing beyond the walls I had built up over the years, after seeing and acknowledging every hidden secret within my heart, after beholding my dirty and blemished soul, He smiled at me.

What is in a smile? I tell you, I cannot know save the smile of Jesus Christ. He did not condemn me. He loved me. He greeted me like I meant everything to Him. That was how He greeted everyone. It reminded me of that verse,

"For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." John 3:17 KJV

He didn't say much, but this one thing I remember well. I don't recall the exact words, but one thing He kept repeating over and over was, “Trace my image and share it with the world.”

I told Him I did not understand. I told Him I had a sore hand for art, and that I could never do His glory justice. He only replied with the same request. I understand now that He did not mean literally draw His face, but rather share to the world the image of who He was and what He had done. I finally told Him I would. (This is me trying.)

The train had to pull out not long after that, and I begged Him to stay. I clung to Him, and nigh willed Him to remain, but He said He must continue. I begged to follow Him. I did not want to ever leave His side again. He was suddenly all I cared to live for. But in a still, small voice He told me to stay and pursue the calling He had given me. It reminded me of the man whom Jesus delivered from the demons when He crossed the sea of Galilee. The man begged to follow Jesus, but Christ commanded him to stay and go and share with the town what the Lord had done.

"And when he was come into the ship, he that had been possessed with the devil prayed him that he might be with him. 

"Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but saith unto him, Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee.

^"And he departed, and began to publish in Decapolis how great things Jesus had done for him: and all men did marvel."

Mark 5:18-20

I was not on that train when it pulled out. I remained behind. This truly applies to me in real life because for a long time I have been restless to go and do God's work in other countries right now. There have been nights where I could not sleep and would do anything to leave everything behind and just go. I have had really no patience to wait on the Lord's timing. But in that dream, when He told me to stay behind, I know that He was referring to me remaining here in the Flathead Valley and continuing school, being a witness here for Him.

When the engine began to rumble and smoke bellow out, I asked Jesus in my dream to let me look at His face once more. To gaze into His beautiful countenance, and behold His pure, innocent yet powerful glory. Pure love. Unconditional. Pure joy. I have never felt anything like it before.

I had cried when I looked into his face. Tears not of sadness, but an overwhelming of peace. I cried when I later rejoined the crowds and tried to tell them what I saw. I cried when I awoke this morning and discovered this all a dream. I cried when I realized that God did indeed care enough to visit me in a dream, JUST to tell me that He loved me, that He knew all I had and was currently going through, and to tell me He heard every prayer. He had been just as excited and anxious to meet me as I was to see Him. To show Himself unto me after all these years. He had seen my blind faith, and He at last manifested a small portion of Himself. I will forever remember that night.

Too often we think that because God does not come storming through and presenting His full majesty for us to behold, performing astounding miracles in our lives, that He must not see us or care for us. We think that God must not love us because He does not manifest himself to us. We think He doesn't care because He allows tragedies to befall us. We tend to think that we are too blemished for Him to care to love us or forgive us. We are so quick to condemn ourselves. But let me tell you this. To everyone who desires a relationship and reconciliation with Jesus Christ, He does not condemn you, but loves and cherishes you. He rejoices over you, and He is smiling on you right now though you cannot see Him. He hears you. I can vouch for that.

I looked on the internet about images of Jesus. Numerous life accounts poured through Google search, and everyone exclaimed over and over about His eyes and love. They claimed he had light eyes, some thought green and others blue. I personally believe they are a color no man can recognize, yet our mind struggles to tag a color our simple minds know.

I am positive with no doubt that I saw Jesus. I know it, and this I will cherish. I can hardly wait to see Him again in Heaven, and I desperately hope I have the most blessed opportunity to see Him again before then.

 "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, 

"May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; 

"And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19 KJV

Sharing His love

Sometime ago I shared that I was sponsoring a child over seas. His name was Shishir. Unfortunately, I received an email a couple weeks ago informing me that Shishir had moved away, and was no longer available to be sponsored. I was worried, thinking the worst, but they assured me that he was healthy and in good care. They told me that he had only moved away from their ministry base of Compassion International in that area.

I have been praying on whether or not to adopt another child. Knowing that you are giving hope to a child (or family) in need is so rewarding. No doubt I do want to continue to donate in some way or another. I started reading up on the internet of other ministries. I looked through the EurasiaCommunity website. I went to the MSF Doctors Without Borders website. I started thinking that perhaps instead of giving a huge chunk of money to one organization, maybe I should disperse it among a few.

The Lord has blessed me in so many ways lately. Beyond proving me a place to stay for low rent, He has provided scholastic funds, healed my car, and given me multiple avenues to earn money. The Lord has indeed seen me through every obstacle, meeting my every need.

I had a dream a few weeks ago - I won't go into it now, but it was incredible and I will post it soon - about the Lord telling me to share His testimony to the world, and share His love. I plan to do just that.

If but the world could see His love! His love is more than anyone of us can imagine. When people say that God is love, they have noo idea how true that is! I caught a glimpse of just how big His love is, but it was for only a second. For anyone out there who is struggling and feels all alone, take heart! I have been there, and Someone cares! Someone hears your prayers. His name is Jesus, and He loves you beyond your wildest dreams.

Eurasia

I found an old bookmark in a book buried in a stuffed box in my closet last night. Actually, this "bookmark" was a folded up map that I had entirely forgotten about - a map of Eurasia.

http://eurasiacommunity.org/areas/what-is-eurasia/

Some months ago, a missionary had visited our church and shared with us the ministries going on there. He had provided us all with maps, requesting we pray for those people who had not heard the Gospel yet.

Eurasia consist of averagely 2.3 billion people, with 1.88 billion of them unreached by the Gospel. Christianity is not tolerable in many of these countries, but the Lord has been doing a great work.

I am reminded once again of the calling that the Lord has placed on all of our hearts: to preach the Gospel to the corners of the world. There is no place where it should not be heard. I know one day I will be over there in other countries, but for now I am here burying my nose in books at the college.

How I wish I could join our brothers and sisters across seas! How I wish I didn't have to wait and go to school! I know that God's timing is perfect, and in His will I vow to walk. Yet still I cannot say it is easy. He is teaching me patience.

I hung the map in my room last night, right where I could see it. I have been reading about Eurasia for quite sometime today, and every hour the restlessness within me increases. I am not restless only, but inspired. I am inspired to dare to step into the world unknown, beyond my borders, beyond the safety of home. I am challenged to reach into the darkest places of the world, but until then, I anxiously wait for the Lord to say to me "go".

Suicidal Deer

I can hardly wait for school to start! I just picked up my books today, and am reminded how blessed I am to have received financial aid. The total was over $800! Truly God has helped me through all of this. I could not have done this without Him, and the people He has moved to support me.

I am reminded of my first semester of college and how scary yet exciting it was. One class in particular - public speaking - I was terrified to take. Yet in the end it was truly one of my favorites. Here is just one of the many speeches I had to give.

_________________

   It's 8:00 at night and the moon starts to rise just above the tree line. It's Christmas Eve and anxiously Billy heads home to his family. Over the frozen pavement his headlights beam, showing him the way. Intently he watches for black ice.

   Suddenly out of the middle of nowhere something leaps from the dense woods and onto the highway only several feet from his Dodge. It's a deer and steadfast it remains, its feet planted firmly in the middle of the road. Grabbing the wheel with both hands Billy steadies the vehicle and prepares for the collision. Of all days to hit a deer.

   We all experience a version of this sometime in our driving career. Perhaps we manage to swerve out of the way or break just in time. Perhaps we hit it instead and total our cars, sending us or a friend to the hospital. Living in a rural state such as Montana we are bound to find ourselves in some sort of wildlife accident.

   How can we stop this? How can we solve this ongoing issue? Every year, we spend $1 billion solely to vehicle damage. 10,000 people are seriously injured and 150 killed due to deer collisions in the US. Montana alone ranks #5 in the top states for such accidents.

   We need to put an end to this. The solution is simple. No deer near the highways, no more hits. As one sign posted along a back road, “Suicidal deer. Please drive slowly,” such cautions would no longer exist.

   Imagine how much safer we would feel driving down the roads at night. We wouldn't have to worry about our loved ones tangling with a buck leaping from the shadows. We wouldn't have to pay all those medical bills fixing our broken bodies because we swerved and flipped our car. We wouldn't have to spend $1 billion at the autobody and mechanic shop. We could drive confidently and at ease. Our only problem left would be drunk drivers!

   So let's take care of this! How? We all know deer hate the hunting season. They run at the crack of a shotgun. They hide deep in the forests, watching for the bright color of hunter orange. So send your cars for a paint job and upgrade your horn to the sound of a 30 out 6. Who says we have to stand for this nonsense?

Ebola Outbreak

While on Instagram today I saw a post from Doctors Without Borders. There are outbreaks of a virus called Ebola in West Africa. Many have suffered and died. Others have recovered. M.S.F. is fighting to save the infected, and prevent further spread of the disease.

Hearing about such outbreaks makes me want to join Doctors Without Borders even more so. I am stirred to continue to pursue my education in nursing. One day it will be me out there. One day... Until then I keep them in prayers, learning as much as I can about such illnesses.

Is it odd I find plagues and the like so fascinating? It baffles me how such little organisms can end the life of not just one person, but up to thousands and beyond. It makes me want to go out and fight alongside the Doctors Without Borders team.

I copied a link below that explains more about what is going on in Africa. Will you join me in prayer for those inflicted and those who are there serving?

http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/news-stories/field-news/battling-ebola-outbreak-west-africa

Restlessness

I have been growing restless again for minsitry. It's been nigh four years, and I feel I might break. Call me crazy, but I can't stop thinking about Mexico. I remember the life there. We didn't know many times what the next day would hold. We went where the Lord lead. We met people of all walks of life. Some were devout Christians, with the same stirring for ministry as us, others were back slidden, needing motivation and a revival in their hearts. Some had never even heard of the name of Jesus. We slept where they slept, wept when they wept, and rejoiced when they rejoiced. We grew together in Christ. We gained much, and we lost much.

Since Mexico, I have struggled to live a routine life. I am not used to planning months into my future. I am restless. I am reminded of those still suffering, those still hungry. I know I am preparing myself for eventually going across seas, and serving in the medical field, but I grow anxious to help and do something now. I'm afraid to step out on my own, but I am more afraid of doing nothing. I must do something.

The world can't wait for us to be good and ready. Everyday, everyone is one more day closer to death. Everyday, is one day closer to Christ's coming. And though we look forward to that day with exceeding joy, there are still those who have not heard of the Gospel. How can we sit idly by knowing the lost walk among us?

Yes, one can reach out in ministry to the local communities. Yes. There are ministry opportunities left and right, right here in Montana. But what about those beyond our borders? What about those forgotten? They are dismissed too often with the excuse that another will reach out to them. There are the few that do. Why can't I be that person? God has given me this restlessness for a reason.
I vow to go where the Lord leadeth, but I pray He leadeth me to venture beyond my borders.

God is GOOD

God is so good! How often we hear those words, yet think nothing of it. Yesterday, those words came to life. God has blessed me so much I am losing count of them all. Lol. No I didn't win the lottery, and no I wasn't given a 2014 Jaguar. The Lord has blessed me with opportunities to serve, with a clearer understanding of His word, with a growing passion to be like Him, and love the world as He does.

In addition, I received an award letter from a scholarship. It truly came just in time, for my bills was going to be cutting into the negative. With that scholarship I have less then fifty dollars to pay for tuition this semester. See, God does come through when we take that leap of faith, and choose to follow Him.

It is through the times of testing and trials where we see His power the most. When we choose to let go, it is then He can move mountains in our lives. When we give Him the wheel, like that one song by Carrie Underwood, it is then that He will take control and show us the way. We can rest assured that under His wings we shall never be desolate. Take heart and never give up, for in the footsteps of the Almighty will we find victory. God IS good!

To trust

Those who trust in the Lord shall never be moved. Trust. It is what God has been teaching me lately. I guess I am starting to realize that. As much as I do trust in God, there are so many times when I don't. Many times I rely on myself, taking control of my life, and forgetting to seek His will. I believe the lie that I know better than He, and that even if I should follow through with something that I know I shouldn't, I think the consequences won't be so terrible. Well let me tell you, the Lord has been graciously merciful to me.

I want to seek Him more. I want to worship Him more. I want to put Him in the forefront of my daily life. I want to trust Him more. I want to have no fear or worry.

I recall asking Him to teach me patience, and give me more faith. Well, we all know that God does not just GIVE us those things. He puts us in situations that will cause us to exercise those things, and ultimately strengthening us. Thus perhaps my car dilemma - the fact that I always tend to break down right in the middle of the road during rush hour - is but a small way in which He has given me an opportunity to have more faith and patience.

I admit, I have not always been strong, but God is faithful and ever gracious. I know that I can hope in Him even when I cannot see the hope of tomorrow. You would think I would have learned that by now, but alas, I find that I have not. In truth, it is through the tragedies and hardship when I see His face. For He makes Himself known to me in the deepest valleys, when I am at my lowest. When I am the weakest, THAT is when I see He is the strongest.

With this renewed hope, I know I can rejoice in the face of danger and misfortune. I can rejoice because even in the darkest of times God is in control. Gloria a Dios!

His name is Shishir

I adopted a child last month. Well, more accurately, I started sponsoring him. He is four years old, and his name is Shishir. He is from Asia, and comes from a poor family. I realize there are a lot of poverty stricken families out there. I should know, having known many personally. To be perfectly honest, I have always been skeptical about such sponsoring programs. This one, however, I felt God was laying on my heart. He was calling me to help this child and so... I am.
A man came and spoke in our church at the beginning of this year, and seeing those pictures and videos did something to me. In short, I was moved to do something. To make a difference. It is yes but one life, and such a life of but one small child. But it is one child that can be saved from poverty, and from hunger. It is one little boy who can now live and pursue his dreams. His dream is to become a doctor. His name is Shishir, and I think he is changing me more so than I him. Isn't it funny how that seems to work?

By His Breath

Imagine the universe spread from east to west, beyond the eye could ever see. Imagine the blazing flame of the sun, to warm our skin and burn the darkness away. Imagine the power of the wind, how it heaves with every breath. Imagine every living creature, somehow coexisting in an odd sort of balance of life and death. Imagine the mighty waves that roar and crash against the precipice cliff, that tower above its waters. Imagine the depth of the ocean and all its mysteries.Imagine each and every phenomenon which cannot be explained by evolution. Some will always argue life came from a Big Bang, a sudden burst of certain chemicals by chance. I say it is the evidence of a God, and with but one voice the earth was spoken into motion. By His breath, we have life.

Redemption

Those times when God has an amazing plan for your life, but you go and mess things up in the millionth crime. You question if it's worth to apologize once again. The words aren't new. He's heard them been said. But then you hear His voice, He tells you to change. He tells you He's got a better and more perfect way. He says it's all yours. All you gotta do is believe. Just believe that He died and rose again and that YOU ARE FREE. You are free from the chains that sin has bound you in. You are free from the Devil and his devious plans so, believe and have faith. Pray and mean what you say. Then give it to God and rejoice in His grace. This is not a competition, but a lifetime revelation. About the One who died for you. Its a chance at redemption. Redemption is a gift. It isn't earned nor deserved. The guy you told you that, his name is Lucifer. God's gift is free. It's free to all mankind. All you gotta do is believe and take a chance at life. Take a chance to live, to live for the better. For the better becomes eternal, when you give your life to the Father. So the next time someone tells you, "You're no good. You don't deserve it." Reply with a smile, "You're right, but I have it."

Strangely at Peace

That moment when you find yourself overwhelmed with so much to do and never enough time. That moment when a sudden rush of fear comes over you that you are losing money left and right. To the world, I am in way over my head. But when I seek the face of the Lord, I find that all I want to do is worship Him. I want to dwell in His presence, and suddenly that overwhelming burden of fear and worry lifts from my shoulders. I am strangely at peace. I look ahead with a smile and high hopes. Jesus is amazing!

Invisibly

God has been working amazingly in my life. Everything from blessing me with true friends and a loving family, to giving me the opportunity and way to pursue this calling of nursing, to just encouraging me and motivating me to continue in His will.

I went to a luncheon today at the community college I attend. It was to honor the many donors of scholarships as well as congratulate the recipient students. I was blessed enough to be one. I was nervous at first, but soon that subsided as it was replaced with a kindling fire and assurance that I was doing what God wanted me to do. I witnessed countless donors and students who publicly professed their Faith. I had the opportunity to meet my supporters. I enjoyed a wonderful lunch (with pumpkin cheesecake as a dessert).

This day. This week. This year has truly been blessed. Yet now is the week upon us where many children don their costumes and trick or treat. So much darkness is in this time of year. Most people do not see it because it is subtle. Yet through and through not all take October 31 as just a fun filled day. Many take it to a serious occult level.

God has weighed it heavily on my heart to pray for this nation... To pray globally over this day and the children and families. May God's presence be evident and His power be at work today as this spiritual battle is being fought invisibly around us. Unknown to the eye yet ever amongst us.

Gloria a Dios!

Praise God! From the highest mountains to the deepest seas, let us lift our voices in adoration to our King! He has blessed me so much. From gifting me with a scholarship to cover yet more of my college tuition, to giving me so many great friends, to indeed being my comforter in every hardship. The Lord Jehovah is in truth, the Father of love, mercy, compassion, and power. And so much more!

My car died several times today. It couldn't hold an idle for more than a second; which is not near enough to pull the gear from park into drive. The devil truly is using every trick up his sleeve to discourage me, and to keep me from pursuing the calling God has set for me. But the enemy will not win. I will not back down. God has given me an assignment to serve across seas and I will not 'throw in the towel'. I will not let God or those overseas be disappointed.

There will come a day when I will pass all these obstacles and look back on the path which I struggled. I will know that the trials were worth it. I will be amazed at God's grace in guiding me. I will worship Him for all He has done. And thus, I shall worship Him even now. Gloria a Dios!

A New Person

God is so good! But of course you all already know that. =)

It hasn't been all rainbows and daisies recently, but the Lord is faithful. Despite all that I struggle with I see Him working in amazing ways, behind the scenes. He has become so much apart of my daily activities. He has His foot in everything I do and I love it! I want to include Him. No longer do I feel His presence only at church, but in every single aspect of my life.

He is healing me from the inside out. He is blessing me. He is giving me the strength to endure the trials I face everyday. In fact, despite all the heartache of I am dealing with I have to say that this season has been great! It has been blessed! I will remember these days as a paradise. Why? Not because of what the world has thrown at me, but because of how God has been working in my life... in my heart. I feel like a completely new person! And I am so excited to share it with you all!

Too much hope?

So i know i haven't been very faithful to posting here. To say my life has been busy would be a grave understatement. Yet i have truly enjoyed every minute of these hectic days... Mostly.
God has been working in my life in amazing ways, and should i try to tell you it all i wouldn't know where to begin.
For one thing i will say that my undying hope has been both my downfall and strength. Too often my hopes rise to heights so great that when i am faced with failure i fall to great disapointment. Indeed, it is good to have faith. To hope in all things. Yet is it possible to hope too much? If so, i am tragically guilty.

When they have no voice...

So God has been working so much in my life. For one, I feel like my heart is lead continually to hurting children. Sure I've always thought kids were cute and precious (some intimidating and annoying) but I never truly felt like I would pursue a ministry focused on children. I never thought I could fall so easily in love with children.

But I have. And now I cry when I but see their suffering faces on the internet. I see their pain and anguish and I mourn because I know that they are fighting a losing battle. They face desolation, captivity, hatred, emptiness and loneliness on every side. They weep and call out but no one hears them. They cry for someone to hear them but the world doesn't even see them.

I want to go to those children. I want to be their voice when theirs has gone. When they can't stand because they have been pushed down too many times, I want to lift them up on my shoulders and be their feet. I want to wash their wounds and comb their messy hair. I want to embrace them and kiss them, even yet while their bodies are infected with disease, because no one else dares even touch them. I want to pray for them and watch them be healed. I want to tell them about Jesus and pour His love onto them. I want to wrap them in warm blankets and tell them they have a Father in Heaven who cares for them and is watching over them. I want to suffer when they suffer. I want to bear their burdens. I want to cry their tears and I want to laugh when they at last laugh. I want to find them and let them know their cry has been heard. I want to tell them that someone still cares. More over, I want to tell them Jesus cares.

Unexplained Change

First off I just want to apologize for not writing sooner. God has been working in my life in ways I never would have imagined. To list them all here would be to write a book.

As you may have noticed I have been waiting two weeks to update Voice for the Voiceless rather than only one. At first I must admit it was out of procrastination but now I feel the Lord leading me to continue to pray even longer, for the children and their families who die from hunger, for instance, every year. All I can think about is their skin and bones and weeping faces and frightened eyes and loss of hope that seem to scream from the pictures I find online.

I can't help but want to hold them in my arms and whisper to them about Jesus and His love. To tell them that He is watching them and wiping away their tears and weeping when they weep and indeed rejoicing when they are happy. I want so desperately to hear the sound of their carefree giggles and hearty laughs. To see the smile in their eyes. I want to love them like Jesus. In short, I am dedicating yet another week to "Endless Hunger".

In addition to that, I at last started my first day of college. Public Speaking was the class and I have a feeling that I will enjoy it immensely. I still can't believe that I am finally beginning this journey to pursue my dream. I only wish it didn't have to take so long. Four years seems like centuries when you know that people are dying everyday. It's so hard for me to be happy without feeling guilty inside. Here I laugh while they cry. Perhaps such is the reason I find myself awkwardly crying in randoms moments of the day.

Call me emotional but all my life it was so easy for me to weep selfish tears. It came so easily when someone hurt my feelings. Yet now, today, I couldn't shed a tear. I was at a lost until suddenly the Lord reminded me of the hurting children from across seas. Thinking of their pain caused me to cry endlessly. I didn't even know why but it ached so deep inside, and I could literally feel their burdens and sorrow. It took everything inside me to keep from jumping a plane at that moment and shipping myself off to some unnamed country. Indeed, I find it slightly frightening the way the Lord is working in my life and heart.

Yet perhaps it is OK if it gives me the drive and motivation to run after this calling, if it keeps me focused on the Lord's will for my life, then I don't mind it. I am thankful. I am thankful for how much the Lord has been changing me. Now I hear Him tell me that He wants to bless me.

He says that I am "ready". That the "time is here". Yet time for what? I don't understand but I feel Him smile. I am so glad that Jesus is so alive in my life. I only wish I could live my calling today. Right now. I know the day will come and these such weekly prayers are the only thing that holds me together while I wait for me to be ready. May I live to be everything that God has planned for me and nothing more. 

And bless those children who do hunger. Their pain is in my heart always.