I haven't shared much about my life but one could say I've had quite the ride recently. As some may know, I am enrolled to start classes at a local community college and am currently in a desperate search to find an economical and reliable car and yes... ashamed to say... acquire my license. But hey, who wouldn't procrastinate when you live two blocks from downtown and your work? Honestly, before school I never needed to commute anywhere. Yet alas I do now and I find time slipping from my fingers.
I've honestly begun to think it isn't the Lord's will for me to attend school. Perhaps I should consider online courses. At least for this semester. The thing I fear the most is living outside the Lord's will. I just want to do everything as soon as possible; start school, graduate, and ship myself across seas to do what I've always wanted to do... the only reason why I've even considered college.
MSF Doctors Without Borders seems so far away some days. Like it'll be another lifetime before I can live that dream. Perhaps I should forget the degree and instead save up and buy that airplane ticket now. I mean there's plenty of ministry organizations I could join, right? I start small. Maybe an orphanage. Join the little medical unit there and learn while on the job.
I could find people who are going to other devastating life-threatening places and hitch a ride with them. Within a year I could be doing what I've always wanted to do. I could be feeding the poor, cradling the crying babies. I could be laying hands on the sick and showing people the hope that lies with Jesus. I could be loving them like Jesus. Who honestly said I have to wait 4 years?
I'm so antsy I swear that if God wants me to stay here and do this college thing, then He might just have to hog tie me to this air mattress of a bed and pile a bunch of textbooks on top to hold me down.
I cried so hard today (laugh if you want but its true) when I started to wonder if I ever would be given the chance to go across seas. Today felt so hopeless as I realized that every single attempt I made to get my license and buy a car fell through to failure. From my sister's car breaking down in the middle of the test, to expenses piling up from nowhere, to being unable to arrange appointments and transportation to go see cars for sale, nothing has worked out.
Don't get me wrong I know that God has everything under control. I'm just afraid that I have completely misunderstood how God wants me to go about this. I'm terrified of living outside of God's will but sometimes I don't have the foggiest idea what that even is. In truth, are these misfortunes God's way of telling me I'm going the wrong way... or is the Devil in a desperate attempt to thwart me from what God wants me to do?
If it's the Devil then I will not be moved and I will be steadfast in pursuing this... but if this is all from God then all I want to do is give everything up and let Him take over.
Perhaps that is exactly what I need to do. If it's the Lord's will for me to get this license and a car and attend school then God will provide a way. I have proven that I am willing and I have tried everything to meet Him half way. Perhaps this was all a test and now all I have to do is fall in the arms of Jesus and watch Him work in my life. If I am not in God's will I vow to give up right now and let Him take the wheel. If it is... then He will work out everything.
I don't know if you guys even got this far in this post. It's so long and I'm sure by now your just sitting there with your eyes half closed skimming the words and grateful the end is in sight. Lol. I would be too. Just know that it doesn't matter how messed up your life seems. It doesn't matter how many times you've hit rock bottom. What matters is if you've let the Lord take over yet. What matters is if whether or not your still struggling at the wheel or if you've taken your foot off the pedal. What matters is if you've realized yet that the only way your getting through this is with God leading the way. Lets just say that is what I am learning everyday.
I've honestly begun to think it isn't the Lord's will for me to attend school. Perhaps I should consider online courses. At least for this semester. The thing I fear the most is living outside the Lord's will. I just want to do everything as soon as possible; start school, graduate, and ship myself across seas to do what I've always wanted to do... the only reason why I've even considered college.
MSF Doctors Without Borders seems so far away some days. Like it'll be another lifetime before I can live that dream. Perhaps I should forget the degree and instead save up and buy that airplane ticket now. I mean there's plenty of ministry organizations I could join, right? I start small. Maybe an orphanage. Join the little medical unit there and learn while on the job.
I could find people who are going to other devastating life-threatening places and hitch a ride with them. Within a year I could be doing what I've always wanted to do. I could be feeding the poor, cradling the crying babies. I could be laying hands on the sick and showing people the hope that lies with Jesus. I could be loving them like Jesus. Who honestly said I have to wait 4 years?
I'm so antsy I swear that if God wants me to stay here and do this college thing, then He might just have to hog tie me to this air mattress of a bed and pile a bunch of textbooks on top to hold me down.
I cried so hard today (laugh if you want but its true) when I started to wonder if I ever would be given the chance to go across seas. Today felt so hopeless as I realized that every single attempt I made to get my license and buy a car fell through to failure. From my sister's car breaking down in the middle of the test, to expenses piling up from nowhere, to being unable to arrange appointments and transportation to go see cars for sale, nothing has worked out.
Don't get me wrong I know that God has everything under control. I'm just afraid that I have completely misunderstood how God wants me to go about this. I'm terrified of living outside of God's will but sometimes I don't have the foggiest idea what that even is. In truth, are these misfortunes God's way of telling me I'm going the wrong way... or is the Devil in a desperate attempt to thwart me from what God wants me to do?
If it's the Devil then I will not be moved and I will be steadfast in pursuing this... but if this is all from God then all I want to do is give everything up and let Him take over.
Perhaps that is exactly what I need to do. If it's the Lord's will for me to get this license and a car and attend school then God will provide a way. I have proven that I am willing and I have tried everything to meet Him half way. Perhaps this was all a test and now all I have to do is fall in the arms of Jesus and watch Him work in my life. If I am not in God's will I vow to give up right now and let Him take the wheel. If it is... then He will work out everything.
I don't know if you guys even got this far in this post. It's so long and I'm sure by now your just sitting there with your eyes half closed skimming the words and grateful the end is in sight. Lol. I would be too. Just know that it doesn't matter how messed up your life seems. It doesn't matter how many times you've hit rock bottom. What matters is if you've let the Lord take over yet. What matters is if whether or not your still struggling at the wheel or if you've taken your foot off the pedal. What matters is if you've realized yet that the only way your getting through this is with God leading the way. Lets just say that is what I am learning everyday.
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